Marriage - A constitution of trust and compatibility :)

What constitutes a successful marriage? How do you make sure to get there? What do you have to do for making it “successful” or happy? I have often given it a lot of thought, when be it my cousins or friends that get married. Who decides if a person is worth marrying? Is there a sign, like the wind blowing your hair, birds chirping, flowers falling down the tree or do violins start playing in the background? I don’t know; this happens only in movies.

I have given it some thought in the past few days and looked at various factors that are considered to be the main parameters in the formula for a “happily-ever-after” marriage. The answer depends on whom I asked this question. For our parents’ and grandparents’ generation, the family background, educational qualifications, the caste, community, nationality, religion, region, horoscopes, their physical appearance - a few to name which decide your compatibility. I agree with some, I don’t with some of them. But who am I to judge, they have had years of experience and knowledge passed on by their previous generations.

When I ask people of my generation, they say – love, compatibility and understanding. Knowing the person before marriage, his/her likes, dislikes, interests, ambitions, behavior etc., matter more to them than maybe caste or horoscopes. But if you look at some of the qualities mentioned by both, a few are implied from the other. Like, let’s say, the behavior, interests, ambitions depend on their family and educational background or their willingness to adjust depends on their upbringing. But again, it depends on the gender you are asking too. For a girl, it also depends on how much the guy is willing to let her have a say in the financial matters, or how much he encourages her willingness to work or not work for that matter, or her hopes and aspirations to be at the top of her game, or accept her family as his or just let her study more in the future. For a guy, it also depends on how she looks, how mature she is and how she feels about him, in general. Phew.

So, how do we decide? Is it someone that needs to be picked from the people your parents approve of after browsing through various matrimonial sites or from your friends whom you have known and understood for a couple of years? Is it wrong if you choose either of the two options? Does that give anybody any right to judge you either way? NO.

I have asked people around, what makes their marriage work? I have got varied versions of the same group of words: adjustment, compromise, understanding, kindness, love, friendship and according to me these can exist in both a love and an arranged marriage. An arranged marriage doesn't mean your marriage won’t work out or your love marriage doesn't guarantee you a happy ending. There are ups and downs in both kinds, it’s more about how you take it after the initial bliss of everything’s-perfect-with-him/her phase. Yes, it does help to know the guy before the marriage but unless you actually get married and start living with this person, you don’t know the intricacies of their lives, their day-to-day habits. Who said they would be endearing, could get onto your nerves as well.

Am not discouraging anyone trying to get married, am just saying, don’t wait hoping to meet someone. You might fall in love and get married or get married and fall in love- either way it’s in your hands to make life’s worth of memories while taking in stride the bitter parts of the bargain too.